Was doing laundry when I decided to toss her in the basket.
She didn't seem to mind. A few more of her here.

The video from yesterday's beach trip and the pool here in MV.

Wasn't that one of the funnest videos ever?

Louiie had a long weekend so she and two of her friends, Kyle and Kelly, drove out to California from Vegas today. Kyle is an aspiring actor who needed headshots for his auditions so armed with a carshade, my cam and my new off-shoe cord, I shot him around the different locations within the apartment complex. Kelly and Louiie served as my assistants and took turns holding up the refector and flash.

Kyle and Kelly

With more practice and better equipment, I can still do a better job. But I think I did alright for my first time. The rest of them can be seen here. Good thing my off-shoe cord arrived early in time for this shoot. There's still so much more I want to buy on Ebay!

The Santiagos picked me up early in the morning and we headed out to Monarch Bay for a day with sun and sand. I wasn't able to take a lot of photos since we spent most of our time trying to master boogie boarding. It was my first time ever and I earned my stripes by getting slammed, HARD. My body was thrown in different directions more than once and my head hit the sand bottom twice. My bikini bottom filled with heavy sand that it felt like I crapped myself. My body is in pain, I barely had enough sleep, there's still sand in my ears, I can still feel a slight pounding on the right side of my forehead but I had so much fun today. I'm just thankful I didn't hit a rock.

None of us had breakfast so we headed out to the nearest pit stop (Burger King!) and scarfed down our food before heading out to Kate's to use the pool and jacuzzi. They all met the adorable Joann. Paul took videos of today and I will post his video as soon as he's done with it.

kaye, leng, cookie, queen of all that is good and holy, bea

Well here it is. Never in my life have I ever wanted to vote so bad. This is the only time that I ever felt that my vote would count and it sucks that I can't. Go OBAMA!

His full speech can be read here.

I went back to Kate's a day earlier than planned since I didn't want to pack for my trip at the last minute. I ended up not packing anyway because as soon as I got back, I was greeted by this...I didn't realize how much I missed her! I made her laugh so hard until she passed out on my bed. My mom is in San Mateo so she called me earlier and we talked for about two hours. Thank gawd for free minutes. I also got one of my two packages from Ebay today, the off shoe camera cord! I love it so much! I still have to get the hang of shooting with one hand while the other hand holds my speedlight away from the cam. My next purchase will either be a tripod or a lightstand w/ the shoot through umbrella.

experimenting with different positions of light

I need to sleep soon since the Santiagos are picking me up again tomorrow at 7am to head out to the beach. I don't know how I'm supposed to walk around in my swimsuit with confidence after the week I spent with them. The hours at the gym the past month was cancelled out by all the eating I've done in the last days. Their family has been more than wonderful for letting me crash with them for the week. We were cramped in that house with 8 people in a 3-bedroom house but they didn't seem to mind. Tomorrow should be fun! I won't be seeing them again until end of September before I head out east. I'll miss thos guys! Georgie too!!!

This week's issue of Project7Days is up! Louiie's song made the hair on the back of my neck stand and I admire Owee's simplicity. It was my original goal to post a single photo that embodied the whole topic but doing it is harder than it sounds. I will try to do the same in the future. Maybe the bay area will stimulate my artistic skills.

Which reminds me, I will be up north for three weeks in September to settle unfinished business so I can finally move on to the east coast come October. Wish me luck! I wouldn't want to suffer another relapse. I need to keep reminding myself that no one there merits any yearning from me. Chriselle seems to be going out of her way to prepare for my arrival. She just cleaned and fixed the house and said that we are to head straight to the grocery to stock up on my favorite food as soon as I arrive. I am tempted to go to the places I used to go to but I know I will only risk seeing something I don't need to see. Chriselle should be good company, seeing that she is no way connected to my old life there. We can do new things and see new places.

I labeled it Part 1 because I will be here until Saturday and we still have lots to do until then. We're planning on going to the beach on Saturday before they take me back to Kate's. Right now, I had time to post everything since we're staying in as RJ plays with his new iMac, Paul plays GTA whilst Bea and I do laundry.

Las Vegas Day

They picked me up at 9am then took a drive to Vegas. We had a buffet dinner when we got there then went back to the house to chill before heading back out again. Paul and his parents took a nap on the carpet while us girls chitchatted till 9pm.

Las Vegas Night

Went to the Wynn where Bea, Leng and I played 1c slots, haha! Paul and his folks watched the US vs Spain B-ball game. We felt so under dressed (or overdressed might be a better term) since all the women were in skintight nothingness. On the way home, a guy in the elevator asked me if I wanted to kiss him...he was cute, but I wasn't stupid.

With the Santiagos Part 1

Gave George a bath since he stank from pooping in his carrier and throwing up on the way back from Vegas. The poor dog is not used to long road trips. Videoke at night, Costco lunch the next day, had amazing frozen yoghurt at Yoghurtland, vietnamese dinner then assembled RJ's new IKEA table and chair.

Leng is taking a Cosmetology course in Fullerton College so I got a really good deal on a full color (cheaper than Manila!). Watching her work and the rest of her classmates in class got me to thinking how much fun it would be to learn all of that. If only money weren't an issue, I'd take the course too. Imagine me in NY learning hair and makeup! I could work with models and designers on fashion week! Woohoo!

When Leng was putting the color in, it looked like my head was soaked in grape Kool Aid so I was expecting purple hair. It turned out to be a nice red wine shade that looked lovelier when I'm out in the sun. Took more videos over the past few days but will load them only when I get back to Kate's. I don't really have the time to sit down in front of the Mac while I'm here.

Waiting for Rj and Leng to buy their new iMac before I head out to get my hair highlighted colored by Leng while the rest of them go to IKEA.

We MISS YOU GUYS!

Paul, Leng, Bea and Moi
(RJ will be back tom)

Won't be able to blog as much or in so much detail until I get back to Kate's. Staying with the Santiagos for the week and I'd like to spend less time with the Mac. We all just got back from an overnight trip to Vegas. Will blog more about it in another time.

For now, HELLO TO EVERYONE FROM ALL OF US!

Rather, an EBAY virgin. I've caught Kate's addiction of browsing and shopping on Ebay. I've just purchased two items today:

5 pc. extension tube set

off-shoe camera cord

I'm itching to buy one of those 5-in-1 reflectors but I feel a car's windshield shade can work just as well for now. I can't wait for my stuff to arrive. Maybe I can get a new lens after, maybe a lensbaby 3G, hihihi! I'm going to need to buy a new camera bag since my camera gear no longer fits my teeny tiny $8 cheapo bag.

Made cookies again today. Kate's been munching on them all afternoon. Hee! I've missed the smell of freshly baked cookies. The last time I made them was with Niki when we made the ice cream cookie sandwiches.

Also made chicken afritada for dinner. Doing all the cooking since I'll be out for the next couple of days. Paul and Bea are picking me up tomorrow morning for an early road trip to Las Vegas! Yeah! We're only going to be there overnight since they just needed to pick something up from their house there.

I'm so excited to see old friends again! Don't get me wrong, Joann has been good company but it would be great to have some good laughs with friends again.

So I just finished my post for next week's P7D. Haha! I had to do it already since the Santiagos have arrived in California and I don't know if I'll have the time to do it next week. My final output turned out to be different from my original plan but I believe it turned out better. I was telling Louiie earlier that under normal circumstances and if I weren't in my current state of being, I might have produced an entirely different image. It just proves how an artist's life can strongly influence his art.

I'm so excited to post and I wish I didn't have to wait a week to show you! But rules are rules so I'll keep you all hanging for the meantime. Louiie still has to make hers anyway and I'm curious how hers will blend with mine. According to Owee, she's still absorbing Ging's post and should have hers ready by next Friday.

I've received a few requests saying they'd like to see a counter on the P7D blog because it gives viewers some form of anticipation for the next post. In as much as I totally agree that it's a brilliant idea, I personally can't do it because:

1. The previous counter I placed on there turned out to be unreliable. It does not reflect the same values when viewed from different timezones. This pushed me to load the first post 14 hours ahead of my intended deadline. The counter, when viewed from Manila, had already zeroed out when I had hours left on my end.
   
2. If and when I do find a counter that will reflect the accurate time period, I personally do not have the patience to keep resetting the counter every week. Granted that I currently have nothing else to do, I am hoping that it will not always remain that way.

So, to keep things fair, posts will be up on the blog every FRIDAY, Manila time. Note that artists can post anytime within that day so if you checked the site at 10am and saw nothing, then check again in a few hours.

 

We artists do plan on shaking things up as soon as we get the hang of posting and may or may not post items in between normal schedules. So check the site often and see what we've been up to. Better yet, subscribe to the feed so you get them as soon as they're available.

Please bear with me since I'm no web developer and don't know a lot of mumbo jumbo html coding.

I only had Cheerios for breakfast and I had a craving for pasta so I whipped myself a quick dish. Kate, Jose and Joann are out for the day so I was making this for one. Managed to get just the right amount of ingredients to serve myself.

Hey Grace, here's something you can make yourself if you still have time to cook after work. It's quick and easy and should fit your diet just fine since it doesn't have any cheese or any other fattening items.

You'll need:
Pasta, cooked just before al dente.
About 2 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Half a small bulb of garlic, chopped
1 tbsp chopped parsley
Sliced Green Olives(I used red pepper stuffed ones)
Capers (optional, but really good)
Salt and Pepper

Sauté your garlic in the oil until soft (don't burn!). Add the parsley and your cooked pasta. Toss them all together. Throw in your olives and capers. Season with salt and pepper (freshly cracked black peppers are nice). Voila!

Serves 1

Laundry just finished and I'm folding clothes now. Will go to the gym for an extended session later. I skipped a day over the weekend and I need to make up for it. Bea and Paul are arriving tonight and they're supposed to pick me up on Saturday. Knowing Paul and his family, I bet there will be a lot of eating over the next few days.

Next week's topic for P7D can be seen on the site. I'm assigned to make the initial post for it and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I have so many ideas but none of the resources I need to pull it off. Louiie just emailed saying that she will also post on the topic so expect 3 posts next week. Ging is mocking me by saying the topic fits me perfectly. Ugh!

So I just found out that the counter I put up on P7D was inaccurate. I've been receiving YMs from people asking why the first post wasn't up yet. I was quick to tell them to the refer to the countdown as it obviously read 14 more hours to go. Apparently, in Manila, the countdown had already reached zero and they've been repeatedly refreshing their browser to see if the post had come yet. I had no other choice but to post it. Good think Ging finished early and posted it two days head of the deadline and scheduled it to be released (supposedly) tomorrow.

Next week, two posts will be up: a response post by Owee and the next new one from yours truly. My nervousness has dropped a couple of notches since the pressure of the first post has been lifted.

Stumbled upon this wonderful blog. Spent some time reading it and my camera manual, learning and relearning new settings and features. I didn't know there were still so many things I could do with my cam. I'm so eager to play with the new stuff I learned and I wish it were as easy as grabbing a friend and going on a photo excursion. If I was in Manila, there'd be a lot of people who'd be willing to step up and join me.

I wish I could just take pictures forever. I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm so fascinated by photojournalism but I never can find the courage to go out there and shoot people. In all of my travels, I've been too shy to approach people and ask to take their photographs. I've already missed so many opportunities for great portraits. I wish I had a real mentor, someone to guide me and help me become the artist I want to be.

The opportunities are out there, I know, but I've always been hesitant to go out there and grab a piece of the action. I'm ashamed to admit that I always had the case of the "I don't think I'm good enough for that." I'm afraid of being mediocre, or rather, being called mediocre and be like every other girl who goes through that photography phase. Sometimes I feel my photos are blah and that a lot of the good ones were only taken by chance. To me, learning is never enough and there's always so much more I needed to know. My ex-boss told me before I left Manila, "You're kick-ass Kari. Go out there and show them you're great and do the learning later. You're already great!" I nodded but couldn't help wonder of she was sincere or if it was the vodka-sprites talking. Hahaha!

A few years ago, I read about the Eddie Adams Workshop that is held in NY once a year. If I had known that I would be in New York during the workshop, I would have built a portfolio and sent it in for consideration. In any case, I think experience is the only thing that will help build me a backbone. The more I shoot, the more I have to show for myself. For now, that's my only game plan.

and apparently, it is also what's going to kill me.

I just saw something that made me want to rip my heart out of my chest and bash my head against the wall over and over and over and over.

I'm going to die.

Been reviewing my old posts and saw this. I think it's time for me to update it now don't you think?

In no particular order:

1. All my money will be given to my yet-to-exist child. If I happen to be childless, then they will be split evenly among my two sisters.

2. The macbook goes to Niki, Mac Mini goes to Grace, the WD Passport HD can go to Bea and the other HD goes to Ging.

3. My clothes can go to my sisters. Everything else can be picked up by whoever wants it. The rest should be donated.

4. All my shoes go to Jammi, she's the only one I know who will fit in them.

5. Bea wanted my 160gb iPod so she can have that along with my gold plated necklace with the circle pendant she requested. The other iPod can go to Grace, I know she lost hers.

6. Niki gets my DSLR. She can have all the lenses except the 28-105mm, that one goes to Ging.

7. My jewelry goes to my mom.

8. Niki, the blog can go to you. It will give you a reason to write to everyone about your adventures wherever you are. But you're required to have one good post a week, nothing less.

9. Grace (from Rome) can have my flip. It's time we got videos of your life in Rome.

10. My only request is to be buried with my dad and Mami Ying.

Every time I hear Redondo Beach, I'm reminded of the movie Little Miss Sunshine. Haven't seen it? Gasp! Stop reading and rent it now!

Jose and Kate took me there today for an amazing seafood meal. It's their own version of our dampa where you pick out your fresh seafood and they cook it for you. We had two tilapias, one grilled and another deep fried, two grilled mackerels, grilled squid and some mussels and some other form of shellfish. The food came with heaping loads of sides such as corn on the cob, french fries, coleslaw, potato salad, rice and all the lemon wedges you can have to drizzle over your fish! I only had that one meal today and it was enough to keep me full for the whole day. I'm still mighty full as I type this.

We walked around the pier after all that eating to let the food settle. The sun was out and the skies were clear but it was very breezy. There weren't a lot of people around since it was a Monday but the pier was lined with people fishing and a few families lounging around.

We went to Jose's parent's house in the evening since his uncle had just arrived from Manila today. They had prepared dinner but I couldn't eat another bite. Spent the night watching TFC instead. I don't think I've seen this much Pinoy TV since I was a kid.

Posting has not even begun and I'm already thinking of the future. Now that the team has grown to 7 members, I am considering closing the invites. 7 artists, 7 days. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it? But to be fair to the people who have expressed their intent to join, I have this idea of having special "Guest Artists" whom we will invite to post and respond. How does that sound? They won't be part of the regular team but will have the opportunity to share their talents by contributing to the site. Of course all of this will happen once the posting has begun and we've established a good foundation for our guests collaborators to follow.

Louiie predicts the site will be huge. I've received a number of feedbacks from people who aren't even on the team expressing how excited they are for the posts to begin. As of yesterday, Project7Days has been getting more hits than this blog and nothing has even been posted! I am both thrilled and apprehensive for it to start. I am nervous at how the quality of work will turn out and how people will perceive them. I really hope this flies. Owee was the one who pitched the idea to me and if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have this project to keep me occupied. Three more days until game time, woohoo!

...to know so many people who actually WANT to be with me. I can't count how many people have told me "Come and stay with me!" Even people I haven't known very long keep insisting I go and stay with them (uhm, Chriselle!). I am so grateful that I know such a wonderful group of people. I have to say that I am really surprised with how much of them really stepped up in my time of need. THANKS GUYS! I LOVE YOU TOO! How I wish I can stay with all of you and we can be in one big house, ahem Big Brother ahem.

I was telling Niki earlier, that today is the first time in weeks that I felt like I'm moving again. I've booked my travel plans over the next several weeks and I'm getting the same rush feeling I used to get back in July when I was doing all that traveling. Granted I can't afford to spend as much as I did last month, I've managed to cut costs since I'm not exactly bleeding money right now. Thanks to special people who are letting me crash at their houses and even driving all the way from another state to come pick me up. Thanks Louiie!!!

Paul and Bea's arrival is just a few days away and they've asked me to stay with them for a week. I wonder what we'll do?

Guess what I ate today! I had HALO-HALO at the Manila store in El Toro. Yummy! I also scored a few items that I've missed.

not in photo: Boy Bawang and Spanish Sardines!
Woohoo!

Ara just messaged me asking for my Sagada itinerary since she's going there with her friends next week. I can't help but be a bit envious. Sagada was a such a magical place, it felt like another world, really. I wish I could go with them. I'm also reminded of all the travel videos I have yet to edit. I almost don't want to anymore. Parang iinggitin ko lang sarili ko. July 2008 was one of the best months ever...well, except for the news I got by the end of the month, that just ruined it for me.

Took this shot as we were walking back to the car.

I was carrying all my stuff then saw this scene and I had to stop and take it.
No, the sky didn't really look like that.

I dipped my feet in the waters to test it and it was mighty, mighty freezing. I wasn't going to swim already but figured I needed to take advantage of the beaches of California before I head out east. I dove in and every single pore in my body snapped shut and my brain started screaming. Despite the low temperatures, the waves were great and the water was not too salty and I was able to keep my eyes open underwater without it stinging as much. Nothing beats the beaches of the Philippines though. The people here don't seem to care that the water is too cold for swimming or the weather is too windy to wear nothing but swimsuits. For as long as the sun is out and skies are clear, they all head out to the beaches. I've been way too spoiled by our islands' tropical shores and I can't imagine anyone not being able to experience warm, sunny beaches. I lasted about 15 minutes (or less) in the ocean before I bailed. The cold water was too much that my ears and head started to hurt. I sat on the sand snacking on Tostitos Lime (mmm...), shivering since the wind was blowing hard and the sun was on it's way out.

More photos from today can be seen here.

Louiie sent me this photo with a subject of "Yebahhhh!!! Let's Roll!!!"

She doesn't look too enthusiastic but I'm sure her heart is screaming inside.

Currently waiting for Joyce to pick me up. Heading out to Huntington beach for lots of sun exposure. I haven't gone beach swimming in the US since Hawaii circa early 90s. I can't remember the taste of American ocean water. Ha!

Whew! Finally redesigned this place. It took me about 6 hours to do it but I'm pretty pleased with the results. Was supposed to just change the background image but as soon as I started, I couldn't stop. It's about 4:30am now and I'm a bit woozy but still hyped from all that damn coding! Whoo!

Now I'm going to have to change the design for Project7Days. I've learned a few stuff that I'd like to apply to that site. I'll do that tomorrow. For now, it's bed time. zzzz...

A Genius Work Of Staggering Heartbreak

French conceptual artist Sophie Calle debuted her latest break-up obsession project at the Vienna Biennial last month.

In Prenez Soin de Vous (Take Care of Yourself), Calle takes an email by which her former lover dumped her (signing off, "Take care of yourself"), and has it analyzed by 107 women according to their respective professional expertise, including a proofreader, a judge, an expert in women’s rights at the UN, a French intelligence officer, translators, linguists, a chess pro, a family mediator, a clown, a puppet, and a psychoanalyst. It's translated from French into English, barcode, a crossword puzzle, origami, and the music of Feist.

If you believe in art therapy, you will believe in this. Regardless, it's a 107-strong chorus of brilliant women.

[source]

I received an email telling me it was over.
I didn’t know how to respond
It was almost as if it hadn’t been meant for me.
It ended with the words, Take care of yourself.
I followed this advice to the letter
I asked 104 women (as well as two handpuppets and a parrot), chosen for their profession or skills, to interpret the letter.
To analyse it, comment on it, dance it, sing it. Dissect it. Exhaust it.
Understand it for me. Answer for me.
It was a way of taking the time to break up
A way to take care of myself.

Sophie Calle

Thank you Sheila for showing me the link. She's one inventive woman. I myself have kept myself occupied with my own project. Project7Days has been redesigned and the first post is due in a week. Ging has been given her topic and she will conceptualize and produce her mini-project in 7 days. A response to her work will be posted the week after.

As of this post, there are currently 5 members of of P7D. We are limiting team members to a maximum number of 10 so we apologize if we are unable to include you. One more person has expressed her desire to join and I'm simply waiting for her promise of committing to deadlines, hehehe.

Jose came home from work with a wonderful surprise today. "May pasalubong ako sa inyo!" he says carrying what looked like a big cake box. "Ano yan?" I ask, somewhat skeptical. He opens the box and he shows me. It was a giant heart-shaped FLAN! One of my all-time favorite desserts! I don't know how to make one myself and I heard it can be a bit tricky since there's a big chance of burning it. I must've have looked like a total doofus after that because I squealed and started hopping up and down as I washed the dishes.

Went to the gym early this evening. I almost didn't go since it was late and I just had a big dinner of beef salpicao and buttered veggies (cooked by moi, of course!). But I pushed myself to get up and go because I knew that if I broke my rhythm, I might keep doing it in the future. Besides, I have to tone up a little because I'm going to the beach on Saturday! My friend from college, Joyce, found out I was here and she's taking me to Huntington Beach this weekend!

Paul and Bea are also scheduled to arrive next week and Paul said he was going to bring our favorite sleyli drinks to celebrate our reunion! I can't wait! Things are starting to look a bit more fun now that I'm going to see more people. I wish I had a car to drive around in so I can visit everyone I know in SoCal.

I've imported a lot of my old posts from the previous old blog into this one since I think it's a total waste of good writing to leave them there. I tried filtering out the posts that had any form of connection to the, uhm, previous addressee. I wouldn't want to lose my travel posts so they're here if you want to review them.

Owee came to me with a proposal. Inspired by lookatbook.com, we came up with Project7Days. Visit project7days.blogspot.com for a brief description of this new gig. Posts will begin as soon as I've redesigned that page. For now, two of us will have to come up with the posts but we plan on inviting more people to contribute to the project. It forces people like us to get inventive and it helps flex our creative juices. If you're interested in joining our retarded team, you can leave me a message here. We'll be screening people (naks!) so we can make sure that everyone interested will be contributing on a regular basis. We wouldn't want the posting to eventually fade out because one failed to submit. You don't get paid to contribute though, this is merely a collaboration of artists trying to put a part of themselves out there.

So after three days, my download of French Kiss has finally finished. For years, I've had this unrequited love affair with Meg Ryan, haha. Ever since I saw Innerspace in the 80's, I've loved her pixie look and boyish charm. I'm sounding very gay here but think of it as just like my current, need I say, obsession with Ms. Jolie.

I've seen French Kiss countless of times specially when sky cable still had the iChannel or sky channel or something like that. They played this movie repeatedly for weeks and I would always watch even if I'd just seen it the day before. I've always had a fascination with romantic comedies set in Europe. It feeds my fantasy of maybe one day setting foot on the beautiful cities of France, Spain, Italy, Greece and the like.

I saw it again today and it surprised me how much the movie hit close to home. For the benefit of those of haven't seen it, Meg Ryan plays the role of Kate. She's an American engaged to a Canadian and is therefore being petitioned by her fiancé to move to Canada. Fiancé needs to go to Paris for reasons not thoroughly explained in the movie and since Kate has a fear of flying, she declines the invite to join him. He leaves and calls her repeatedly over the next few days (or weeks) telling her about his trip. Then one day he calls to tell her it's over, that he's met someone and is in love. She sits there on the kitchen floor of her supposed in-laws (she lives with her now ex-in-law's house!) dumbfounded and looks like she got slapped by an invisible hand. The plot moves on giving her the inevitable happy ending but I simply had to laugh realizing how autobiographical it was. I only wish I get my own happy ending, not necessarily in the form of a French man and a vineyard.

So I've been flexing my photoshop skills a bit and it looks like I've lost my ability to design anything. Back when I was still spewing out layouts and concepts on my first job, I could bust out several designs and drafts easy. Today I had to make a logo for Jose's construction company and I could barely come up with three. They liked one already and I'll be making t-shirts and business cards off it but I wasn't personally satisfied with my own design. It needs a lot more work and I do need a bit more practice. I'm so behind with the current trends and I'm the first to admit that I'm no where close to achieving graphic-guru status.

the final choice

The final design needed to be very simple and with very little gradients and colors since Jose will silk-screen this on to blue shirts. Don't ask me why there's a marlin on there, he insisted on it. I was working on this other one and was planning on putting more detail on to it but they already said they liked the fish one so I stopped.

Went to the gym again earlier this afternoon because Mr. Santiagerrr made a wisecrack about my weight and it annoyed me enough to make me hit the gym again. Good thing or bad thing, whatever. Kate went to the gym with Jana later in the night leaving Joann with me. She cried long and hard for a while until I finally managed to shush her to sleep. I was sweating bullets but I dared not move and turn the fan on and despite my leg cramping, I tried hard to keep still for I was afraid she would wake up and start wailing again.

Last night, I had a nice chat on YM with a my sadistic friend Riemann and we had the weirdest conversation. To give a little background, he is a friend from high school who some would say would be a male version of me, only much meaner. So imagine the both of us talking about having children. I was telling him how I would like to have a child but most definitely not right now. Seeing Kate with Joann sometimes makes me envious and it brings about a strong desire to want a child who I can screw up in my own little way. But at the same time, seeing her spend all her time and literally changing her lifestyle to accommodate this child also reminds me that I am no where near ready to have one right now. There's so much she can't eat, can't do and places she can't go to. It reaffirms what my Aunt Sheri told me about doing all my traveling now, while I'm still young, because once a child has entered the picture, I will never leave the house and all my money and efforts will be spent for the kid.

I keep talking about children here and you're probably wondering how I'm supposed to manage having one without a, uhrm, donor. Well, I've heard way too many horror stories about childbirth and I am personally terrified of pregnancy. Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be a beautiful experience but I think I may pass on it and do it the original Angelina way (sige, tawa ka jan). I've always played with the idea of adoption in my head. I think it's a good thing and as Riemann said, "At least you won't contribute to overpopulation." Well, enough of the baby talk. All of this won't happen for another ten years anyway. I can barely feed myself and I have a long way to go with regards to managing my direction in life.

I talked to my aunt in NY earlier and she's asking me to go to NY already. In case I haven't mentioned it on this blog already, I am simply waiting for (insert name of male offender here) to send me my stuff so I can make arrangements on how to store them while I'm away. I am very much looking forward to my Las Vegas and New York trips. My travels have helped me in a way that I am unable to regret most of the decisions I've made over the past year and a half. They have given me good memories and images that I will carry with me for life. That despite my sorry state, there are still so many things for me to be grateful for, so many places to see and people to visit.

I am so glad that in my lowest of lows, I've come to realize that there are a lot of sincere people out there who are willing to lend a hand, offer their home or just to give a hug. It just sucks that everyone else seems to understand me, all except the one person I thought would get me the most.

My return to sun and sand

Jose was in the mood for a drive so we all went to Balboa Island in Newport Beach this afternoon. It was a great day for a swim, too bad I didn't bring my swimsuit. I didn't think it would be an actual beach. I thought it only had a view of the ocean or something. The waves were enormous and of course I was immediately reminded of my pet fish, Niki. Hahaha!




We sat on the sand for a while then spent about an hour after that looking for a place to eat. The island was full of families and groups of friends enjoying a hot Sunday afternoon out so every place was packed. We ended up at a diner in Newport where I had a Bleu cheese burger (sadly, Gourmet's version is much better). Their apple pie a la mode rocked, though. Mmmmm...I love apple pie...

Photos from today can be seen here.

Finally went to the gym today. Haven't worked out since March so my body will need a couple more days to get used to the weights again. I could barely lift my arms to shampoo my head after.

Made spaghetti for dinner earlier and also made my herb-roasted potatoes as a side dish to Jose's grilled sirloin steaks. I haven't had my potatoes in a long time and they're as awesome as I remember them.



If we're not doing anything else tomorrow then I might hit the pool for a little dip and sunbaking, hehe. Or maybe finally walk to the mall like I've repeatedly said I would do but never did.

Currently re-watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith for the nth time. I swear, that movie never gets old with me. Whoever said let's put these two gorgeous people together in a movie and have them beat each other up before sex is a genius. That scene never fails to make my toes curl. That pairing screamed potential infidelity from the beginning.

I wish I had something to blog about but all I did today was laundry and watch TV. Hooray for me! I did do about 4 loads of laundry though so that left me pooped for the day. I offered to do Kate's load too since she was busy with Joann.

I did give my first ever baby bath today! I helped give Joann a night wash before bed. The bb loves bath time and looks so cute too!

Congratulations to Mama and Papa on their graduation!
They've just completed their training and are officially Flight Pursers on Philippine Airlines.

Went to the DMV to apply for a license today. I didn't have time to review the driver's handbook and took the test right away as I didn't want to keep Kate and Jose waiting for me in the parking lot. I barely passed the exam (maximum of 6 incorrect answers and I got 6 wrong :p). I need to brush up on my driving and will take the actual drive test in a couple of weeks.

Passed by Walmart again on the way home since Kate and I wanted to do a bit of browsing. When we got home I offered to make dinner. Made breaded fish fillets and guinataang kalabasa then baked a batch of Ghirardelli Double Chocolate brownies.

Kate and I have not been fulfilling our promise of hitting the gym since we've been out doing stuff. Tomorrow, Jose promised to come home early from work to watch Joann so Kate and I can hit the treadmills. My lovehandles are starting to show again and I refuse to blow up again like I did before. I also plan to take advantage of the pool and California sun since New York isn't exactly famous for beaches and sunbathing. I have been daydreaming of New York for days and the more I think about it, the more psyched I get. There's so much I want to see and doing it all alone sounds daunting and exciting at the same time. Central Park at autumn should be a wonderful subject for photos. But before I hit New York, Louiie has promised to take me around Nevada. She mentioned places like Mt. Charleston, Red Rock Canyon and a couple of other spots that she herself hasn't seen. I'll also have the opportunity to re-visit the strip since I'll be tagging long with her to work (The Wynn) and from there, I plan on walking the strip until she gets off work. Hopefully, Bea and Paul have moved to Vegas by then so I'll have someone to roam the streets with.

My days have gotten better and my nights have been a bit easier. Jose and Kate have kept me busy that I'm too tired to think of anything but lie down and sleep when I get back to the apartment. My over-all mood seems lighter as evidenced by Louiie's comment on the phone yesterday, "Nice to finally speak to a sane woman, burd!" Louiie has been great, regularly calling to check up on me. She doesn't have to do it but she does it anyway. It's nice to speak to someone every so often since all I keep chatting with is Joann and she does nothing but coos and whines when she wants to be carried.

I don't know what else we're going to do tomorrow but I think I may have to do laundry already. I've been piling up my clothes since last week so I can gather a reasonable load so I won't waste detergent and water. I'm slowly running out of underwear anyway so it really has to be done. I don't mind staying in tomorrow since I keep spending more unearned money every time I'm out.

Updated with video of the proposal!


My wonderful friends have just gotten engaged! Paul proposed to Bea in front of both their families over dinner. They're both moving to California in two weeks and I can't wait to give them both a big hug. Congratulations you two! You give the rest of us hope.

Kate and I had a day-out without Jose and the baby. We went shopping at Burlington Coat Factory (not just coats, really) since they were having a huge sale. I walked away with a Nine West handbag, make-up bag, a shirt, socks and a couple of denim shorts. We then went to pick up groceries. I have to admit I had so much fun buying groceries! I haven't done any household shopping in so long and I've forgotten how much fun it was. Yes, yes, call me a dork but it's the little things that make me happy. I can't wait to start cooking stuff from the items I bought for the house. It's the least I can do for Kate and Jose for letting me stay here and I get a kick out of doing it too! Somehow, my looking like a latina helped with the groceries since the staff are much nicer and are even willing to go out back to get me fresher produce. When one noticed I didn't speak spanish, he asked if I was Italian, HAHAHA! Grace, pwede na rin pala ako jan sa inyo! Hee!

I'm too tired and lazy to take photos of the stuff I bought so this post will remain photo-less for now. When we got back home, Kate cooked her home-made tapa and I ate a lot more than I usually do, scarfing my food down in minutes.

Song of the moment:

"Down to the wire. I wanted water but I'll walk through the fire. If this is what it takes to take me even higher. Then I'll come through, Like I do. When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me..."

Now excuse me as I browse through my new god children's photo album. :)

Went drinking again last night, this time at Kate's sister-in-law's house in Irvine. The boys had their beers while us girls enjoyed my favorite drink, MIMOSAS! We ran a little daycare/bar with Johanna running around and the two babies cooing and crying. It was fun, drunken chaos.

Tomorrow, they're inviting us again for more. Walang pahinga sa alcohol ang mga tao dito! Parang yung Denver Gang ng Pilar!


We passed by Big Lots yesterday to buy a pitcher for the beer and I bought some stuff for the guestroom closet. We got home at 4am but I simply had to start arranging stuff. I woke up this morning and had the urge to do more so I fixed the bed just like a hotel housekeeping would and vacuumed.

Lastly, let me end the post with a video that I can't seem to get out of my head for weeks now. In as much as I think the movie Step Up 2 the Streets was a load of crap, I have to admit that the dancing was absolutely amazing. I saw it (properly) on the plane and I need to share it. Crank the volume up and try to watch it in fullscreen!

The party I mentioned earlier found me and I never got to dig into my ice cream. All the alcohol tonight made me miss sleylinights at Pilar.

Jose was real drunk and seriously hilarious. We just finished about two cases of Coors Light. Jose could give my guys back in Pilar a run for their money.

This is Johanna, James' older sister. She's a year and a half and as cute as a munchkin. She kept running around stealing Doritos while everyone else got drunk.

The footage below was taken yesterday when I accompanied Kate and Jose on their hunt for the perfect flatscreen tv. After Best Buy, Circuit City and Howard's, they haven't found it yet. The last part of the video is of Joann pooping. Hehehe.

This last video made my day. I enjoyed it so much that I watched it several times. Although I think, only 80's babies can appreciate it. Rick Astley had a concert in Manila last August 1, 2008 and the producers requested he have a duet with none other than Mr. Roderick Paulate! It's the best video ever!!!

Made the invites and shot the photos for both kids. James is Joann's cousin who was born a couple of days after her. He's a humongous four three month old boy who loves to take naps.

double dose of cuteness

I love how the light shines through the guestroom window.
It's a perfect spot for photos like this.

More of their adorable faces can be seen here.

There's a bit of a party over here. Jose's family and friends are here enjoying grilled steaks, beer and wine. I'm about to dig into my pint of Haagen Daz butter pecan.

Note to self: Never watch sappy romantic movies thinking it will give you hope. It will only make you feel worse causing you to not get any sleep.

Too bad. I really love this movie. Now I'll have to stay away from it for a while.

Ok, here we go...

For a year now, I have been blogging about all the fun stuff I've been doing, people I hang out with and places I visit. A lot of you have been enjoying all the niceties, witty comments and hilarious video clips. What very few people know is that my marriage has been in shambles for a long time. Everybody says, "Aaaw, a blog for Paul...how sweet!" Yes, it would be sweet, if he even read it at all. I have filled that old blog with wonderful memories of my time in Manila. Memories which helped distract me from the little fact that my husband has literally stopped talking to me, never answering my emails, texts messages or returning my calls. I keep writing in a blog that was meant to be for him just so people can believe that I am okay. I can't stand the idea of people giving me the sympathetic look and asking the god-awful question of "Are you okay?" or "How are you?" It's an annoying question that deserves a sarcastic answer, "What do you think?!"

I've managed to start this new blog in the same annoying spirit of don't-let-them-know-what's-really-going-on-so-no-one-asks-the-annoying- question. Been writing about the little things that's been keeping me preoccupied for a week now. What I haven't been writing about are the endless nights of crying myself to sleep. Every time I speak to family and friends on the phone, I try my best not to breakdown just so they can go on with their own lives and not have to burden themselves with my problems. I put the phone down and then weep like a little idiot. The people here have no idea just how heart broken I am. I smile, laugh and talk like everything is alright. Kate has been more than generous to let me stay here until I find a place to move on to. But no matter how welcome I am, she is still Paul's sister. My mother-in-law has been awesome but Paul is still her son.

Just now I was chatting with AJ and I slipped and told him what has been in my head for months now...

I WANT TO DIE.

I don't mean this in a literal sense, although dying looks a little hopeful to me now. I mean that the feeling of dying, of literally not having to do or worry about anything, is something that seems very much ideal. I don't want to move, I don't want to think, I don't want to do anything. When I got married, I believed I was done. I had nothing to worry about. Money was not even a problem for us then. No matter how broke we were, Paul and I managed to survive. I wanted to be a wife and take care of my husband, eventually we'd have a family and do what married people do. Now that the dream is gone, I have no desires to do anything else. People have repeatedly asked me "What are your plans?" Well, I DON'T KNOW. I have lost any sense to move forward. I don't want to work, I don't to be anywhere. I have lost my right to remain in the US and as much as I want to go back to Manila, we all know that life in the Philippines is hard. Jobs in Manila will not feed me. If I go back there, I will never leave my mother's house and I refuse to go back there again. I have no drive to move on with my life. I don't want to do anything. I came here with the confidence that I can fix whatever went wrong with my marriage. I placed all my energy into wanting it, willing it. I told myself that I can do this. Well, I jumped on a plane and crashed. Past is past, what happened, happened. Make do with what you got, it's time to move on, blah blah blah blah blah.

I seriously want to die.
I want to rip my eyes out and drown myself.

There's no where I want to be except for the one place I can't be in. I wish that voice in my head that's weeping "It can't be over!" will finally shut up. I need to get out of here but I don't know where to go. I don't want to move. At this point, I think someone has to physically push me to do something, anything. I keep waking up every morning and walking around but I really haven't done anything at all. A week has passed and I have nothing to show for it. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and myself that's why I want to drop into a hole and disappear.

This is why I don't write about these things. I don't want you all to feel like you have to say something. We all know nothing anyone can say will put things back the way I want them to be. There's nothing you can do or say. I am not asking anyone to tell me "It's going to be okay." I am writing this because I am tired of "being" okay. Okay?

Tagged along as Jose and Kate brought Chasi home to her mom's at Carson today. Had dinner at (see video below) then went to Best Buy. Kate and Jose checked out ginormous plasma TVs and I bought a 250gb WD Passport portable HD. Whoo!

I guess I underestimated how much pinoy stuff I can get here. Enjoying a mug of taho as I type this. Mmmmm....

Off topic...

*sigh*

Last photos of me and my sisters taken during our last family dinner. Tin treated us to dinner at Kanin Club in Westgate (amazing food, btw) since I was leaving Manila in a few days.

*sigh*sigh*

Collective video of my last visit to Paul's house in Pilar and my last night in Manila. It features a short food show hosted by Alain (Sleyli Myerni) and Dex (Singh Pangh) called The Fooooood! I can never watch this video in one go. I keep taking breaks every few seconds since it makes me cry and laugh hysterically. I'm going to miss these boys so much. Both videos are by Poorfish.

Video of my departure. I had my entourage take me to the airport that day. If I had known what would greet me upon my arrival, I would have stayed in the car. Oh well...simply saying I miss these guys will not suffice.