Ok, here we go...
For a year now, I have been blogging about all the fun stuff I've been doing, people I hang out with and places I visit. A lot of you have been enjoying all the niceties, witty comments and hilarious video clips. What very few people know is that my marriage has been in shambles for a long time. Everybody says, "Aaaw, a blog for Paul...how sweet!" Yes, it would be sweet, if he even read it at all. I have filled that old blog with wonderful memories of my time in Manila. Memories which helped distract me from the little fact that my husband has literally stopped talking to me, never answering my emails, texts messages or returning my calls. I keep writing in a blog that was meant to be for him just so people can believe that I am okay. I can't stand the idea of people giving me the sympathetic look and asking the god-awful question of "Are you okay?" or "How are you?" It's an annoying question that deserves a sarcastic answer, "What do you think?!"
I've managed to start this new blog in the same annoying spirit of don't-let-them-know-what's-really-going-on-so-no-one-asks-the-annoying- question. Been writing about the little things that's been keeping me preoccupied for a week now. What I haven't been writing about are the endless nights of crying myself to sleep. Every time I speak to family and friends on the phone, I try my best not to breakdown just so they can go on with their own lives and not have to burden themselves with my problems. I put the phone down and then weep like a little idiot. The people here have no idea just how heart broken I am. I smile, laugh and talk like everything is alright. Kate has been more than generous to let me stay here until I find a place to move on to. But no matter how welcome I am, she is still Paul's sister. My mother-in-law has been awesome but Paul is still her son.
Just now I was chatting with AJ and I slipped and told him what has been in my head for months now...
I don't mean this in a literal sense, although dying looks a little hopeful to me now. I mean that the feeling of dying, of literally not having to do or worry about anything, is something that seems very much ideal. I don't want to move, I don't want to think, I don't want to do anything. When I got married, I believed I was done. I had nothing to worry about. Money was not even a problem for us then. No matter how broke we were, Paul and I managed to survive. I wanted to be a wife and take care of my husband, eventually we'd have a family and do what married people do. Now that the dream is gone, I have no desires to do anything else. People have repeatedly asked me "What are your plans?" Well, I DON'T KNOW. I have lost any sense to move forward. I don't want to work, I don't to be anywhere. I have lost my right to remain in the US and as much as I want to go back to Manila, we all know that life in the Philippines is hard. Jobs in Manila will not feed me. If I go back there, I will never leave my mother's house and I refuse to go back there again. I have no drive to move on with my life. I don't want to do anything. I came here with the confidence that I can fix whatever went wrong with my marriage. I placed all my energy into wanting it, willing it. I told myself that I can do this. Well, I jumped on a plane and crashed. Past is past, what happened, happened. Make do with what you got, it's time to move on, blah blah blah blah blah.
I've managed to start this new blog in the same annoying spirit of don't-let-them-know-what's-really-going-on-so-no-one-asks-the-annoying- question. Been writing about the little things that's been keeping me preoccupied for a week now. What I haven't been writing about are the endless nights of crying myself to sleep. Every time I speak to family and friends on the phone, I try my best not to breakdown just so they can go on with their own lives and not have to burden themselves with my problems. I put the phone down and then weep like a little idiot. The people here have no idea just how heart broken I am. I smile, laugh and talk like everything is alright. Kate has been more than generous to let me stay here until I find a place to move on to. But no matter how welcome I am, she is still Paul's sister. My mother-in-law has been awesome but Paul is still her son.
Just now I was chatting with AJ and I slipped and told him what has been in my head for months now...
I WANT TO DIE.
I don't mean this in a literal sense, although dying looks a little hopeful to me now. I mean that the feeling of dying, of literally not having to do or worry about anything, is something that seems very much ideal. I don't want to move, I don't want to think, I don't want to do anything. When I got married, I believed I was done. I had nothing to worry about. Money was not even a problem for us then. No matter how broke we were, Paul and I managed to survive. I wanted to be a wife and take care of my husband, eventually we'd have a family and do what married people do. Now that the dream is gone, I have no desires to do anything else. People have repeatedly asked me "What are your plans?" Well, I DON'T KNOW. I have lost any sense to move forward. I don't want to work, I don't to be anywhere. I have lost my right to remain in the US and as much as I want to go back to Manila, we all know that life in the Philippines is hard. Jobs in Manila will not feed me. If I go back there, I will never leave my mother's house and I refuse to go back there again. I have no drive to move on with my life. I don't want to do anything. I came here with the confidence that I can fix whatever went wrong with my marriage. I placed all my energy into wanting it, willing it. I told myself that I can do this. Well, I jumped on a plane and crashed. Past is past, what happened, happened. Make do with what you got, it's time to move on, blah blah blah blah blah.
I seriously want to die.
I want to rip my eyes out and drown myself.
I want to rip my eyes out and drown myself.
There's no where I want to be except for the one place I can't be in. I wish that voice in my head that's weeping "It can't be over!" will finally shut up. I need to get out of here but I don't know where to go. I don't want to move. At this point, I think someone has to physically push me to do something, anything. I keep waking up every morning and walking around but I really haven't done anything at all. A week has passed and I have nothing to show for it. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and myself that's why I want to drop into a hole and disappear.
This is why I don't write about these things. I don't want you all to feel like you have to say something. We all know nothing anyone can say will put things back the way I want them to be. There's nothing you can do or say. I am not asking anyone to tell me "It's going to be okay." I am writing this because I am tired of "being" okay. Okay?
This is why I don't write about these things. I don't want you all to feel like you have to say something. We all know nothing anyone can say will put things back the way I want them to be. There's nothing you can do or say. I am not asking anyone to tell me "It's going to be okay." I am writing this because I am tired of "being" okay. Okay?
