I find that I am more honest when I write. I spend an awful lot of time swimming in my own thoughts. Words run through my head faster than I can articulate them but somehow writing allows me to structure them in a way that is somewhat coherent.

So like I said. Honesty.

It is honesty that has prevented me from writing anything here in a very long time. If I had, one of many things could have happened. I would have rambled on about uninteresting non-happenings in my life. Sure, I've had some pretty fun quasi-adventures and I might have shared funny little anecdotes that might have made you laugh or smile, but most of them are insignificant enough for me to forget now that I try to pause and recall what I might have possibly written.

Never be Defeated.

It is a phrase written in ink on my inner forearm. I remember a few days after I got it, someone told me how stupid it was to have it permanently etched on my skin because according to her, because of it, people will be less inclined to "help" me. I was quick to respond that I needed no help and the phrase was an affirmation of my newly acquired "independence".

Funny thing about independence, is that no one ever tells you how lonely it can be. I am as free as I can afford to be and I've managed to get to wherever it is that I am by being the rock that most people describe me to be. In the book Eat, Pray, Love there was a part when they were trying to label people or places into one word. If you have not read the book, they would label New York as Ambition and Rome as Sex and so on. For a while I thought of my word and what I eventually came up with was a word I learned in my college design class which was used by my professor to describe the Philippine Jeepney.

The word was RESILIENT. The reason for the description is lost on me but the meaning of it remains.

Resilienta : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or ruptureb : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I believe that explains itself. Which is also why I was confident enough to have those three words permanently embedded on my skin. It was concise and to the point, pretty much how I am. Or at least I'd like to think so.

Soldiering on. That's what I've been doing for most of my life. It particularly makes me uncomfortable when I am asked about my "plans."

Someone: So what are your plans? (variations may or may not include a time limit)
Me: Ugh, well. Nothing really. I just really would like to keep taking pictures.
*uncomfortable pause*
Someone: Oh, well. Do you have a goal that you're working on? A plan to get to where you'd like to be in (insert time frame here)
By this point, I start inventing and saying that yes, I have started working the blah blah blah...most of which is really just words snatched from thin air.

PLANS.

Such as small word for something so ambitious.

It's like asking someone if they are happy. Because really, if they weren't, do you think they'd tell you? Doing that would only open another bag of worms that a not-quite-so-happy person would rather just avoid.

Independence can be exhausting. For once, I wish I can just stop and have someone else take care of me for a change. Until then, I do what I do best. Soldier on.