Nostalgia can Kill

Chriselle and I went to San Francisco last Thursday to stay overnight at her friend Angelo's place. Prior to meeting him, Chris and I had a sushi dinner with Dre, Jackie and Ben at Shima on Van Ness. We hung out with them in their apartment on Sutter for a bit before heading out to Angelo's apartment to drop off our heavy backpacks then headed back downtown to hit the bars. Honestly, as much detail as I would like to disclose about that night, everything is now a faint blur. I remember walking through San Francisco's cold night air, going into a couple of bars, drinking more beer, walking through areas I've both been to and not been to. I hate that I remember a lot of things about the city. When we passed by my old street, I had to fight the urge to start crying in the bus, looking at the bus stops that I used to stand in countless of times, carrying bags of groceries or what not. It was a heart-wrenching ride. It forced me to really say goodbye to the city that I've loved since I was a child. I don't know if I'll want to go back there again for a while.

The next day, I woke up on Angelo's couch and was thinking of lunch. Chris and I agreed to have thai food for lunch and was supposed to go to the one I knew on Haight. When I realized that the only way I knew how to get there was to pass by my old apartment which I felt I wasn't ready for. We ended up going to the one down the street from Angelo's and the food was awesome nonetheless.



We took the train back to Redwood City and I went out again for dinner with my father-in-law and his family. They wanted to talk to me about one thing of course. For a few hours, I talked about the person that I have been mentally avoiding. Seeing as they're his family, they're all very keen on seeing a reconciliation. I feel their emotion and I see their reason for it. I just don't know if I have the strength of character to give them what they want. A lot of stuff has happened and I know that I have no ability to let the past go. This is why I opted to go somewhere (New York) where there will be no link to my old life in the US. It's the fastest way for me to gain my fresh start. I have to let this go soon and I need to shut my feelings about it down and I have to move forward. I can't be repeatedly be reminded of the man I used to know...who no longer exists.