Spent three hours tossing and turning since my last post. I've given up trying to sleep. My head hurts from trying to keep my eyes closed. I've surrendered and reached for my only Sandman comic, Fables and Reflections. I've never read a Sandman comic before and felt like it was a good time to start.
My mind's a mess. Too many things that refuse to go away. One of which is the reminder that I still have no direction. I've been blogging since 2005 complaining that I don't know what I want to do with life. Here I am, 3 years later, still with no clue as to where I'm going. I spent the past year doing something that I was told I was good at, in a job that I was told would get me somewhere. Only to realize that whatever it was that I was doing, no matter where it would take me, was not what I wanted to do. I was attracted to the lifestyle it gave me. It afforded me the many luxuries I indulged in this past year. It's only been three weeks since I've been unemployed but I'm very sad to announce that I do not miss my job. That realization made me question the decision that has cost me my future. I left. I stayed. For what? Was it worth it? I sure as hell hope so. Because the next few months would probably be the scariest I have ever been in a very long time. What will I do now?
I was once told that knowing that you needed direction was already a step towards finding your answer. Well I've known it for a very long time and my answer still has not come. If my fear unveils itself, I'm afraid I will have lost my place. I've done a very good job of concealing my apprehension. I've been convincing myself that for as long as I appear unfazed, my fear will be kept at bay. I hope those people who have been waiting for me to speak will understand why I choose not to do so.
I don't think a career as a career is normally defined was meant for me. I obviously can't stand doing the same thing for a very long time or it may be that I just haven't found my spot in the world. My old job might have been a step towards a future of job security and (maybe) financial stability, but it's not what I want to do. It doesn't excite me. I most definitely didn't skip to work with glee. I've been refraining posting anything derogatory about my job for a long while because I know quite a few people from work read this blog. Don't get me wrong guys. I loved that place. Loved it so much that I went back to it without question. Being in my position just took a lot out of me. For the longest time I felt like my job consisted of keeping the place in balance and keeping both the people and my bosses happy. Imagine doing that and keeping sane amidst all the personal issues you might have. A lot of times I felt like I was going to lose it. I had to leave before I made a total mess of myself and my work.
Hindi ata ako mabubuhay ng ganito. I keep second-guessing myself. Can I do it? Is it enough? Is it worth it? Should I risk it? Blah blah blah. Kung mabubuhay lang ako sa pagpapaka-"artist" ko eh di mabuti sana diba? Napa-loser ko. Kanina nung hindi ako makatulog at nakikita ko ng umaakyat na ang araw, ano ang ginawa ko?
Nilabas ko ang camera ko at kinunan ko ang sarili ko ng litrato. Kating kati ako kumuha ng litrato dahil nakikita kong maganda yung ilaw. Natatawa nalang ako sa sarili ko. Hindi na nga ako makatulog, yung camera pa din yung iniisip ko.
Hay nako. Itulog ko nalang kaya ito.
My mind's a mess. Too many things that refuse to go away. One of which is the reminder that I still have no direction. I've been blogging since 2005 complaining that I don't know what I want to do with life. Here I am, 3 years later, still with no clue as to where I'm going. I spent the past year doing something that I was told I was good at, in a job that I was told would get me somewhere. Only to realize that whatever it was that I was doing, no matter where it would take me, was not what I wanted to do. I was attracted to the lifestyle it gave me. It afforded me the many luxuries I indulged in this past year. It's only been three weeks since I've been unemployed but I'm very sad to announce that I do not miss my job. That realization made me question the decision that has cost me my future. I left. I stayed. For what? Was it worth it? I sure as hell hope so. Because the next few months would probably be the scariest I have ever been in a very long time. What will I do now?
I was once told that knowing that you needed direction was already a step towards finding your answer. Well I've known it for a very long time and my answer still has not come. If my fear unveils itself, I'm afraid I will have lost my place. I've done a very good job of concealing my apprehension. I've been convincing myself that for as long as I appear unfazed, my fear will be kept at bay. I hope those people who have been waiting for me to speak will understand why I choose not to do so.
*****
I don't think a career as a career is normally defined was meant for me. I obviously can't stand doing the same thing for a very long time or it may be that I just haven't found my spot in the world. My old job might have been a step towards a future of job security and (maybe) financial stability, but it's not what I want to do. It doesn't excite me. I most definitely didn't skip to work with glee. I've been refraining posting anything derogatory about my job for a long while because I know quite a few people from work read this blog. Don't get me wrong guys. I loved that place. Loved it so much that I went back to it without question. Being in my position just took a lot out of me. For the longest time I felt like my job consisted of keeping the place in balance and keeping both the people and my bosses happy. Imagine doing that and keeping sane amidst all the personal issues you might have. A lot of times I felt like I was going to lose it. I had to leave before I made a total mess of myself and my work.
Hindi ata ako mabubuhay ng ganito. I keep second-guessing myself. Can I do it? Is it enough? Is it worth it? Should I risk it? Blah blah blah. Kung mabubuhay lang ako sa pagpapaka-"artist" ko eh di mabuti sana diba? Napa-loser ko. Kanina nung hindi ako makatulog at nakikita ko ng umaakyat na ang araw, ano ang ginawa ko?
Hay nako. Itulog ko nalang kaya ito.
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