I wrote this yesterday while hosting at work. I had time to kill and felt like I had something to say and didn't want to forget so I wrote it down and retyped it below. I didn't finish the post so pardon the absence of a conclusion. I was never very good at closing statements that's why most (if not all) of my blog posts end with either me just saying I have to go bed or I have to go do something else just so I have reason to stop typing.
I feel hollow. Empty. For a while I refused to admit, even to myself, that the passion in my life that used to run so freely through me is gone. I feel nothing. No real excitement, not even real sadness. The emotions I feel are fleeting. At times, I catch myself feigning joy simply because a moment called for it. I've begun to simply not care. I'm attached to nothing outside my basic survival. I float through my own life devoid of any strong passion for anything. Like climbing an infinite staircase, taking it one a step at a time not knowing where you're headed but you're hoping the climb will take you somewhere good.
Yesterday I had one of funnest days since I've moved to New York. But it was hard for me to fully enjoy it because there was that nagging thought in the back of my head that everything about yesterday was borrowed, that it was not going to last. The sun will set, the laughter would end and I'll be back to this. I'm starting to feel like an addict. I'm addicted to the little moments that having friends visit bring. So much that I hunger for the anticipation of someone's (anyone!) arrival. Without it, there's nothing for me to look forward to.
My problem might be rooted to my inability to dream. I may have aspirations but my constant need to keep my feet firmly on the ground prevent me from boldly pursuing them. I go by daydreaming about the life I could be living rather than actually making that fantasy my actual reality.
I feel somewhat sheepish now re-reading this. I feel a bit ashamed of myself but I felt like I had to post it here for my own benefit. To remind myself to not be stuck here. If in a few months, I can still relate to this feeling then I will know that I have not done anything to propel myself forward.
I know I am capable of making myself happy. Sometimes it's easy to forget that I can be fine on my own, specially when I'm so fortunate to be surrounded by such wonderful people. I can't help but always be around them.
*****
Photos from Louiie's third visit to NYC are on Facebook. If you haven't seen them, go and check. The central park album might be one of my favorite photo sets of all time.
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