Rented this on Netflix and was surprised how beautiful it was.

What?!

I deactivated my Facebook account?

Yes I did.

Really.

Why?

Well, ever since I've been addicted (read: obsessed) with FB, I've gone and ignored my writing (among other things). To those of you who used to read my posts a lot and were dismayed to see the slow demise of this blog, this is my attempt to bring back my desire to write again.

Apart from the writing, I've also felt my creativity dying. I've not posted or taken proper photos from the new (expensive) camera I spent months paying off for the purpose of taking better photos. Ironically, I've hardly used it much apart from the wedding I shot last spring. I want to get back to my photography. I've felt my soul die with every hour I spent refreshing my Facebook feed repeatedly over the course of a day. My now obsolete Flip Camera currently sits dead, unused and ignored somewhere in my room collecting dust.

I do not know if this will help but I am trying it anyway. Hopefully something good comes out of this un-social experiment. My life has been requiring a jumpstart like this. Wish me luck.

I find that I am more honest when I write. I spend an awful lot of time swimming in my own thoughts. Words run through my head faster than I can articulate them but somehow writing allows me to structure them in a way that is somewhat coherent.

So like I said. Honesty.

It is honesty that has prevented me from writing anything here in a very long time. If I had, one of many things could have happened. I would have rambled on about uninteresting non-happenings in my life. Sure, I've had some pretty fun quasi-adventures and I might have shared funny little anecdotes that might have made you laugh or smile, but most of them are insignificant enough for me to forget now that I try to pause and recall what I might have possibly written.

Never be Defeated.

It is a phrase written in ink on my inner forearm. I remember a few days after I got it, someone told me how stupid it was to have it permanently etched on my skin because according to her, because of it, people will be less inclined to "help" me. I was quick to respond that I needed no help and the phrase was an affirmation of my newly acquired "independence".

Funny thing about independence, is that no one ever tells you how lonely it can be. I am as free as I can afford to be and I've managed to get to wherever it is that I am by being the rock that most people describe me to be. In the book Eat, Pray, Love there was a part when they were trying to label people or places into one word. If you have not read the book, they would label New York as Ambition and Rome as Sex and so on. For a while I thought of my word and what I eventually came up with was a word I learned in my college design class which was used by my professor to describe the Philippine Jeepney.

The word was RESILIENT. The reason for the description is lost on me but the meaning of it remains.

Resilienta : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or ruptureb : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I believe that explains itself. Which is also why I was confident enough to have those three words permanently embedded on my skin. It was concise and to the point, pretty much how I am. Or at least I'd like to think so.

Soldiering on. That's what I've been doing for most of my life. It particularly makes me uncomfortable when I am asked about my "plans."

Someone: So what are your plans? (variations may or may not include a time limit)
Me: Ugh, well. Nothing really. I just really would like to keep taking pictures.
*uncomfortable pause*
Someone: Oh, well. Do you have a goal that you're working on? A plan to get to where you'd like to be in (insert time frame here)
By this point, I start inventing and saying that yes, I have started working the blah blah blah...most of which is really just words snatched from thin air.

PLANS.

Such as small word for something so ambitious.

It's like asking someone if they are happy. Because really, if they weren't, do you think they'd tell you? Doing that would only open another bag of worms that a not-quite-so-happy person would rather just avoid.

Independence can be exhausting. For once, I wish I can just stop and have someone else take care of me for a change. Until then, I do what I do best. Soldier on.

Just recovered from a fantastic day with AJ today. I say recover because I came home drunk and passed out as soon as I got to my room. I could barely stay awake in the subway. But now I'm up, refreshed and still very much on a high from my awesome day. I haven't had real time spent with AJ since our trip to Bantayan Island together in March-April 2008. I love, love, LOVE AJ so much and it's so sad he's only here until Sunday. We can not see each other for long periods of time but we always manage to pick up where we left off when we do get together like no time has passed.

Today we walked a total of 4.72 miles according to mapmywalk.com. I just discovered this site and now I like mapping all the places I go to just to see how far I've walked. I met up with him in Union Square, then took him to lunch at Westville then I showed him where I worked then gave him a short tour of the West Village based on the information I got from the West Village tour I was on last year. We walked the stretch of the High Line Park then we kept going until we reached Frying Pan where we sat on the rooftop and dranks beers. More beer than I thought we were going to have hence the semi-awake state I was in on my way home. It was a glorious day. Visibility over the Hudson River was clear as far as the eye can see. We saw the sun set behind New Jersey and made our way back, stopping over at Billy's where I made him try the best cupcakes known to man. He took one bite, set the cake down, stared at it and said, "I think I'm going to cry." He bought a box of six to bring back to his girlfriend, Kd whom he was meeting for dinner with their other friends. 

Hanging out again with him on Sunday before he flies back to Manila on Monday. I wish he would stay longer. I missed having him around. :(

Photos from today are in AJ's cam so I can't share anything until he uploads them. Hopefully that's later tonight.

I wrote this yesterday while hosting at work. I had time to kill and felt like I had something to say and didn't want to forget so I wrote it down and retyped it below. I didn't finish the post so pardon the absence of a conclusion. I was never very good at closing statements that's why most (if not all) of my blog posts end with either me just saying I have to go bed or I have to go do something else just so I have reason to stop typing.

I feel hollow. Empty. For a while I refused to admit, even to myself, that the passion in my life that used to run so freely through me is gone. I feel nothing. No real excitement, not even real sadness. The emotions I feel are fleeting. At times, I catch myself feigning joy simply because a moment called for it. I've begun to simply not care. I'm attached to nothing outside my basic survival. I float through my own life devoid of any strong passion for anything. Like climbing an infinite staircase, taking it one a step at a time not knowing where you're headed but you're hoping the climb will take you somewhere good. 

Yesterday I had one of funnest days since I've moved to New York. But it was hard for me to fully enjoy it because there was that nagging thought in the back of my head that everything about yesterday was borrowed, that it was not going to last. The sun will set, the laughter would end and I'll be back to this. I'm starting to feel like an addict. I'm addicted to the little moments that having friends visit bring. So much that I hunger for the anticipation of someone's (anyone!) arrival. Without it, there's nothing for me to look forward to. 

My problem might be rooted to my inability to dream. I may have aspirations but my constant need to keep my feet firmly on the ground prevent me from boldly pursuing them. I go by daydreaming about the life I could be living rather than actually making that fantasy my actual reality.

I feel somewhat sheepish now re-reading this. I feel a bit ashamed of myself but I felt like I had to post it here for my own benefit. To remind myself to not be stuck here. If in a few months, I can still relate to this feeling then I will know that I have not done anything to propel myself forward. 

I know I am capable of making myself happy. Sometimes it's easy to forget that I can be fine on my own, specially when I'm so fortunate to be surrounded by such wonderful people. I can't help but always be around them.

*****

Photos from Louiie's third visit to NYC are on Facebook. If you haven't seen them, go and check. The central park album might be one of my favorite photo sets of all time.