I have many, many things I would like to say. Things that I need help in understanding and wished I had someone to help me clarify things and offer better encouragement and perspective. I have been trying to figure out who to talk to about them since skepticism and judgement are the last things I would like to go up against right now. It's been very hard for me to make a decision as to what course of action I'm supposed to take next. I know what I want. I can see it in my head, I can feel it, taste it. It's there and I can take it. The only problem is I keep double checking myself and questioning whether I want it badly enough to sacrifice some things that are equally important. If there's anything I would wish for myself right now, it would be for clarity...and a friendly push in the right direction. I wish someone else can make this decision for me. I can't do it. It's too difficult. I've been letting fate live my life for a while now and I'm afraid I've lost all ability to do things for myself. Ugh. I feel paralyzed and unable to propel myself forward. This no longer has anything to do with the failure of a certain something. Honestly, I'm surprised by my own capacity to "get over it." Whatever issues that have me all muddled up the past few months now have more to do with my own reservations as to where and what I want to do with my life now. The slate has been wiped clean (well, sort of) and there's a fork up ahead. What path am I supposed to take?! That's a real question, people. Someone please tell me what to do!
I hate having this compulsion to always please people. In the back of my head, I need people to agree with whatever decisions I make. I need them (you) to all think I'm making the right decision, and support me. I can foresee a lot of tongues wagging if I end up going with what I want, and I wish it wasn't so. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I wish I was more courageous. I wish I was a lot of things. I'm such a coward. I speak of so many things and put up this facade of what I'd like people to see me as. But honestly, I'm not even a fraction of what people perceive me to be. If only I was 21 again, so that I can have an excuse for all this confusion and having no real direction in life. But I'm no longer "young" and therefore am expected to at least have a plan. Heck, it's not even just other people. I myself doubt my ability to follow through with my own desires. I dream of so many things, but in the back of my head I've always convinced myself that my dreams are way bigger than me. You don't have to say it, I know I have a ton of issues and I know I need to work them out on my own.
***chat interruption***
Okay, Louiie just threw a mouthful at me. She yelled and she cursed and she virtually yanked my hair in an attempt to wake me up. I didn't expect it to come from her but I'm very glad it did. THANK YOU.
I wish I have a better conclusion to this depressing post. I have called for help now and I'm fortunate to have a local helping hand. Hehe. Wish me luck?
I hate having this compulsion to always please people. In the back of my head, I need people to agree with whatever decisions I make. I need them (you) to all think I'm making the right decision, and support me. I can foresee a lot of tongues wagging if I end up going with what I want, and I wish it wasn't so. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I wish I was more courageous. I wish I was a lot of things. I'm such a coward. I speak of so many things and put up this facade of what I'd like people to see me as. But honestly, I'm not even a fraction of what people perceive me to be. If only I was 21 again, so that I can have an excuse for all this confusion and having no real direction in life. But I'm no longer "young" and therefore am expected to at least have a plan. Heck, it's not even just other people. I myself doubt my ability to follow through with my own desires. I dream of so many things, but in the back of my head I've always convinced myself that my dreams are way bigger than me. You don't have to say it, I know I have a ton of issues and I know I need to work them out on my own.
***chat interruption***
Okay, Louiie just threw a mouthful at me. She yelled and she cursed and she virtually yanked my hair in an attempt to wake me up. I didn't expect it to come from her but I'm very glad it did. THANK YOU.
I wish I have a better conclusion to this depressing post. I have called for help now and I'm fortunate to have a local helping hand. Hehe. Wish me luck?
